Being a visual person and such, I like to look at pretty things. In fact, if something isn’t pretty, I simply won’t look. What is the point, I always say, as I shield my eyes from anything that might offend.
I know that everyone is always yammering on about how “perfect” nature is and all that, but truly, there’s always room for improvement. I mean, sometimes nature isn’t perfect, and since we’re served up all of these screen savers and travel ads with flawless trees and majestic mountains, shouldn’t we demand this level of beauty at all times?
Let’s help the people take back their hard-won expectations of their surroundings. We have labored to install all those windows, to pave all those paths, to erect giant hotels overlooking natural wonders. We won’t stand for our views to be anything less than stunning!
Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. Beadazzle bird nests. Birds make fine little homes for themselves, but really, they’re barely more than functional. Adding your creative touch will help ensure every upward turn of the neck is rewarded with a visual treat.
2. Glue all leaves that fall off the trees back onto the trees. You might go through a lot of hot glue, so invest in a really quality hot glue gun. Hint: Block off a few consecutive weekends in Autumn, when leaves tend to attempt a mass exodus.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema
3. Spray paint your grass a more lush shade of green. There are several brands and hues of spray paints available today, and a happy Rust-Oleum Meadow Green will provide coverage and prevent dreaded grass-rust.
4. Since we’re flexing our spraying muscles, why not go ahead and apply spray tan to pale trees, such as birch? I always feel so sorry for them for being so pale and sickly. This product gets great reviews, and the trees should appreciate a good exfoliation pre-tanning.
5. Rocks look uber amounts better when shiny. Grease em up! A liberal application of Vaseline should do the trick. Bonus: Hide the irregular rocks under the vastly more perfect smooth, oval rocks.
6. Carve animal home holes into all the trees and place cute stuffed woodland creatures into each hole.
7. Add lots of pet store fish to all the creeks so more exotic fish can start breeding there. Have you noticed when you take your annual family nature jaunt, pause on the bridge to gaze into the water, and are met with unremarkable pods of skittish brown fish? Not. Pretty.
8. Sometimes squirrels lose parts of their tails and need help in the old beauty department. Stock up on faux pony tails to pin on the poor ugly rodents.
9. Copious amounts of glitter dumped into creeks will make them look much more magical and will also attract fairies.Copious amounts of glitter dumped into creeks will make them look much more magical and will also attract fairies.Click To Tweet
I know all of these might overwhelm some of you ninnies, so if you’re whining into your bottled sparkling probiotic beverage, I suggest you start by simply taking a walk around your neighborhood, clippers in hand, and rid the neighbors’ yards of the flowers and bushes that aren’t aesthetically pleasing. Baby steps.
Read more of my tutorial parodies here.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema