How to Totally Milk Mothers’ Day

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Well girls, it’s the day we’ve all been waiting for, here at last. The day we get to be adored, smooched, loved, revered and breakfast-in-bedded.

So that’s sweet and all, but really, don’t you think you deserve much, MUCH more? Yes, you do. Consider me your personal temporary Mothers’ Day coach, because we are about to get serious. This day is ours. This day shall be molded into the day we know it can and should be, and here’s how. Follow closely.

1. Refer to yourself in the 3rd person for far longer than is funny. All day would be optimal, but a few hours will suffice. Mummy wants more coffee. Mummy needs to use the loo. Mummy’s fatigued. Oh, apparently you’re British as well.

2. Remember to stuff a Target bag under your pillow before you go to bed. Breakfast will consist of a ton of food, and you’ll need to look like you’ve eaten it all, or your family will hate you. Simply take a few bites and shove the rest of the soggy burnt shit in the bag when nobody’s looking. Hint: to get them to not look for a moment, learn how to throw your voice like a ventriloquist and make it seem like the toilet in your bathroom is screaming for help. Works every time.



photo credit (and, incidentally, how to throw your voice if you want to learn.)

3. Demand poetry, and lots of it. Kids need to make acrostic poems using the word ‘mother’, or it just isn’t Mother’s Day.

M is for my very muggle mother

O is for the owl we don’t have as a magical pet

T is that to me, you will always be Dumbledore

H is for Hagrid, that big old dumb oaf

E is also for Dumbledore

R is for Robert Pattinson

4. You control the boob tube, the computers, the music, everything. Finally you can listen to the Grease soundtrack over and over for 24 hours straight. Tell me about it, stud.

5. Obviously you’ll start drinking at oh-seven-hundred and won’t stop until beddy-by time. Pace yourself, but just slightly – this is an excellent time to try on your bored, rich, lushy housewife hat. Don’t forget the housecoat with shoulderpads, long cigarette holder and kitten heels.

6. Mother’s Day is always a great opportunity to put your family members on the spot: some questions to ask them are:

“What is your very, very favorite thing about me?” “If you knew Mummy was dying and you could donate your liver to keep her alive, would you?” “Who do you love better – me or your father?”

7. Whenever the kids are out of earshot, ask your husband if he’s a motherfucker. Big wink.

8. If, after breakfast, you don’t have anything to unwrap within eyeshot, clap your hands together emphatically and declare that you’re ready to unwrap gifts. If you do get things to unwrap, keep asking for more. Don’t take no for an answer; you just keep poking around the house insisting that you feel some diamond studs calling to you from somewhere!

9. What an amazing day! After all the festivities are finished, the kids are long asleep, and you pick the last bit of steak gristle from between your teeth, sit back, tilt your face to the heavens and let fly the loudest, most blood-curdling mom/warrior cry. Because not only are you the best mom ever, but you have to get the kids back for waking you up so damn early.



  1. Meredith
    05/11/2014 / 10:01 am

    HAHA!! this made my day!! “I”m ready for gifts!” “Who do you love better? Me? or your Father?” LOLOL!!! Have a great Mother’s Day!

    • 05/11/2014 / 5:17 pm

      Yay! Happy Mother’s Day- I hope these suggestions all worked for you. 🙂

  2. 05/16/2014 / 7:22 am

    Aw, damn. I read this too late. I cooked for eleven people and it was also my daughter’s birthday on Mother’s Day. What?

    • 05/16/2014 / 3:38 pm

      Ack! I think you need a do-over Mother’s Day this whole weekend.

  3. 05/17/2014 / 4:18 pm

    I love the acrostic poem with Harry Potter to celebrate Mother’s Day. What happened to mine? Two of my kids love Harry Potter but no poem was forthcoming on Mother’s Day. I will have to send them this link!

  4. 05/19/2014 / 9:29 pm

    Number 5 in conjunction with number 7 are just FABULOUS. Fabulously creepy, if I’m thinking of my OWN mother, of course, but fabulously hilarious if I’m thinking of ME.

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