Therapists nowadays are enjoying unprecedented numbers of patients, flocking to them like gaggles of zombies seeking mental clarity. Like that’s gonna happen! Don’t you think they grow tired of us all whining to them? I’ll bet they do. Don’t try to talk yourself into thinking that wasn’t a stifled yawn you saw at your last 50 minute hour.
It’s time to dazzle our shrinks and give them a fun reason to supply us with our favorite drugs.
• Communicate with your therapist via a handmade puppet. This act alone will secure you a place in her permanent schedule. You’ll be nearly able to hear her brain cogs struggling to piece together each nonverbal clue you act out through your puppet. Sometimes if you sense she’s deeply engaged in talking to the puppet, whip it at her.
• Keep steering the conversation back to your pet and your concern for his mental fortitude. Come *this* close to mewing a few times as you sweep a fat tear away.
• Answer many of her questions with smirks and eyebrow waggles, flip your hair and shake your finger at her before yelling, NEXT QUESTION!
• After everything that you say, diagnose yourself. You may need to do a little homework before your appointment. Some terms to keep in mind are: self-esteem, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (i.e. what happens after you walked in on your parents during ‘nap time’), Existential Oblivion (I may or may not have just made this up), and Mental Retardation.
• Each time you launch into some painful aspect of your life, recount the details in your best robot voice. When you are asked why, explain that it’s virtually impossible for you to cry when in robot mode, and you’d really prefer to not smear your makeup if at all possible.
• Design your own preferred therapy mode. There are tons of different therapies, from traditional Freudian Psychotherapy to Cognitive Behavioral Bullshit. Draw up a pie chart with exactly how much of each type of therapy you want to participate in. Be creative- there’s a lot of fun stuff out there to choose from: think three parts hypnotherapy with a dash of Rorschach test and a sliver of good old tickle therapy.
• In the end, you’re really just there for the free tissues and the meds, so you have to play the game. You already know the brand of pills you want from those t.v. ads. You’ve done your Googles and you know what’s up. Gently tuck your puppet away, lower your voice to a mere whisper and say this: At the beginning of this session, I was a lost soul, adrift and frightened. I feel now that, with your guidance, I have the means to act as a well-adjusted member of this extraordinary melting pot brimming with so many fascinating people at all levels of mental healing.
If all else fails, play dead.