I have a special place in my heart and my day for sidling up to Twitter and reading down the list I have made of funny tweeters. I know they’re especially good when I am compelled to read them out loud to Christian and we sit there clutching our sides, guffawing our brains out.
Instead of re-tweeting every good one I read, I thought I’d do a little old round up of some of my favorites from time to time, and then you can follow these funny folk if you are so inclined.
One time someone got engaged without a photographer present and everyone died
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 10, 2015
I don’t give a shit what I think. I’m fucking gorgeous.
— Typo (@AggregateArgot) January 13, 2015
There’s a hipster kind of tap dancing to himself at my bus stop and it makes me furious.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) January 13, 2015
To assert my dominance over cashiers i reply “i think we both know I won’t” after im told to have a good day
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) January 12, 2015
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) May 22, 2013
people think i walk weird when actually ive been playing the ground is lava for 28 years. never been burned. so. show some respect for a pro
— Natalie Mooney (@nataliejmooney) January 12, 2015
whoa spaghetti, bam-a-lam, whoa spaghetti, bam-a-lam, spaghetti is great, bam-a-lam, for two dogs on a date, bam-a-lam
— mustard (@nice_mustard) January 5, 2015
Bee keeping is the opposite of what you should do with bees
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 8, 2015
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
— Brent (@murrman5) January 11, 2015
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100% prepared to figure skate at all times.
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) January 8, 2015
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
— Shkeeber (@shkeeber) October 28, 2014
OKAY! On with whatever you were doing previously! Off with you! (Let’s Twitter)