My husband is a damn prince. I love him madly, so sometimes I feel the need to piss him off. It’s for his own good, because it tests the boundaries of his patience, which is a wonderful personality-strengthener.
Here are some handy tips so that you, too can wreak havoc on your marriage- in a really fun way!
This exercise works best when you two will be spending several hours together. For many people, this means the weekend. Plan ahead, so you may refer back to this list at will, or simply memorize the steps after you’ve practiced them on your cat.
Guarantee your energy and gas level by getting a really good night sleep and plenty of fiber-rich foods packed into your system. You’re gonna need extra fiber for step #3!
1. For the whole day, whenever you have a conversation with him, focus your gaze on his eyebrows. This ensures that you are looking closely enough to his eyes, but just off-kilter enough so as to be unsettling.
2. When he stands to do something around the house, ask where he’s going in a slightly panicky tone. Then watch him from the couch the whole time he’s within view. When he looks in your direction, quickly look down.
3. By mid-morning, you will both be feeling a little antsy and will step out for a bit. Suggest the hardware store, to which he will delightedly agree. Your fiber should be working its magic by now, so make sure you choose opportune aisles in which to let some loud ones rip! After each expression, you may feel the need to exclaim, Woah! I think someone’s cutting lumber!
4. When he’s studying the power tools, stand just barely too close to him, and playfully kick at his shoe. When he moves to a different area, follow him. When you really yearn for attention, hurl yourself at a free-standing tape measure display.
5. If he asks you a question, answer back absentmindedly with a different, but similar question:
him: What should we do for lunch?
you: *sigh* Absolutely. What should we do for dinner?
6. Once you’re back home, run to the kitchen to make sandwiches. You need to hum-sing loudly while you do it- in a low, gravely voice. Louis Armstrong? And make sure you crack up intermittently. Why not slip something fun into his sandwich? I suggest a bandaid, or maybe a sleeping pill.
7. At this point, he may be catching on to your shenanigans. As he’s falling gently to sleep, slap him on the ass, and tell him he’s been a great sport. Give the old guy his rest; he’ll need it for tomorrow when you decide it’s opposite day.
Oh my gosh, are you my sister?? This is the same twisted sense of humor that I have, that MLB (my lovely bride) does not find quite as “cute” as I do. Or is it because I ACTUALLY do try to annoy her? Love this post!
Unfortunately, my husb and I both have this sense of humor and annoy each other to no end. I don’t think either of us progressed past a 7 year old mentality.
Wait, this stuff annoys spouses?
Nope, never. Keep up the good work.
Oh my, it’s like a glimpse into the Wife’s Handbook. Bitsy has done and continues to do some of these – I just need to make sure she doesn’t see the rest and uses them to expand her repertoire.
I’ll try really hard to not send her an anonymous email with this information in it. HA!
OMG, I must do all of these immediately!!! And you know, I just got married recently too… what a perfect way to start our lives together, huh?
What a perfect way to start off a new marriage. This should ensure years of wedded bliss.
Oh, so when my husband steps on the backs of my sandals multiple times a day, he’s actually just flirting and desperate for attention? Good to know, I thought he was just a big ogre.
OMG, that’s the worst- I truly feel the rage of a hundred ragey beasts when someone steps on the back of my shoe.
Haha, this is hilarious. I don’t think I could do all of that to my husband, but I love your blog and plan on checking back often for new posts!
Well, thanks and welcome! (At least give the eyebrow staring a shot….)
You are so funny! I have a feeling that your hubby is on to you!
Oh no. You already know me! He’s actually better at all of this than I am.
Seriously. Marriage counseling? Pshaw. This. This will all help my marriage.
I am so glad to be of help. Wait a minute. I’m sure you have your own favorite ways of annoying your husband.
I have taken close notes and am planning the perfect day with my lover. I am a bit fearful that #5 might evolve into an endless volley of questions…right? right?
That’s the beauty of it. You can keep it going asking questions all day long. I mean, all day long?
I’m on it – these are great ideas!!! My husband is going to love all this attention!
That is spectacular. I’d love to see the two of you try to out-annoy each other.
This? Is utterly brilliant.
Why thank you! Feel free to use these tips for your own entertainment.
Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at this – the bandaid! May implement the plan tomorrow! And I am sharing to Facebook do I can have very husband I know driven crazy.
Thanks!
Excellent. Husbands everywhere will be eating bandaids in sandwiches!
Hilarious!!
Thanks, auntie!
Love it! And yet, all I have to do is ask him to dry his feet before exiting the tub so I can put on my socks on a dry floor and I get the stink eye.
I think you may have to work up to some of these, then. Good luck to you.