By Craftwhack on January 27, 2012
Today I received a little tiny box directly from the postman at my front door. I had to sign for it. That’s how exclusive it was.
Then I realized what it was and I got all giddy and stoopid, which is completely not the way I thought I’d react to this box, but I ripped it the hell open.
And pulled out these items:
The fountain of youth! Retin-A from India! (Retin-O) but still made by Johnson and Johnson. And I researched this place carefully on my awesome skincare board. If you have 300 spare hours, and like to read about skincare products and DIY, check it out. It’s jammed full of way too much information.
I ordered 2 each of the .025% and .05% strengths of the cream (as opposed to the gel), because my skin is pretty dry. Shipping is $25, but the tubes themselves are around $3, so it pays to order with a friend or 6, or buy a few at a time if you are a total loner like I am.
I initially decided to start with the .025% every other night, just a tiny amount. But something weird happened when I opened the box, like I mentioned, and I immediately smeared a whole tube over my face, snorted another one and ate the other two. I know this is unconventional, but I like to push the envelope. I totally woke up this morning looking like this:
Oh my word I have an obsession with creepy pageant girls.
Anyway, if you decide to embark on the retinoic acids train, because you are superficial like I am, here are my tips:
- Always wear sunscreen, because your skin will become more sensitive to sunlight, and you don’t want to re-damage the skin you’re fixing, eh?
- Moisturize like a champ, because your skin will more than likely dry out a bit.
- Start slowly and work up to using this every day to build up your skin’s tolerance.
- Don’t wax your face while using Retin-A, because your skin will rip off off along with that nasty hair. You’ll look like a complete freak zombie alien.
That’s probably it. Carry on with your beauty routines.
Posted in fashion and beauty | Tagged retin-a |
By Craftwhack on January 26, 2012
I just read a blog post a mom wrote about how she laughs when her toddler swears. When I saw the title, I was all, right on! Let’s read this.
And then I did read it, and I was so disappointed. The woman basically says that she doesn’t actually laugh in front of her kid, and she redirects his behavior and she’s scared he might drop a bad word at preschool, blah blah blah. Boring! Boring! So she basically doesn’t actually laugh when her toddler swears, she finds it amusing to hear such things come out of her kid’s cartoon voice, but then goes crazy trying to cover it up and scold it and hope he doesn’t embarrass her.
Why did this annoy me so much? I don’t know for sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that it is HILARIOUS to hear a toddler swear. And if you think it’s funny when your kid swears, own it. Don’t say you think it’s funny and then back track. It’s not like most moms out there are teaching their kids to say ‘fuck you, motherfucker’, along with ‘please’ and ‘May I have another cheese stick?’
Guess what? Parents swear. Toddlers hear it. Toddlers swear. Teachers hear it. No one is scandalized. No one encourages the child to keep swearing. The kid stops eventually. Blargh! Ahem. The end.
Sorry. Carry on.
Posted in kids | Tagged toddlers |
By Craftwhack on January 25, 2012
My grandfather was the most naturally cool person I have ever met. He was all skinny tallness with dark hair, soft-spoken and absolutely brilliant. He passed the bar exam without going to law school and worked as a lawyer for a time. He lived in Knoxville, Tennessee.
He taught me how to play Gin Rummy, and he would make cheese crackers. That was the only thing he made, because he and my grandmother employed Willie May Turnipseed, who cooked and cleaned for them for decades- after her mother had worked for their family. Yes, by god, that was her real name. I remember her scratchy voice and age spots all over her hairline, and how she would offer my sister and me coke in a bottle when we were visiting my grandparents.
My grandfather smoked unfiltered Camels and held them like hipsters do, all cross-legged and casual. We would write letters back and forth- mine saying things like,
HI! I am eating Nutter Butters.
While his would be written in scratchy, scrawly handwriting and test me on vocabulary. Every single time, I would have to look up a word in the dictionary and write him back the meaning; I loved it. Cerebellum is what stands out in my head. That’s the only one I can remember.
Here is something he taught me how to draw, and I pass it on to you with the understanding that you will appreciate it and keep it safe. Only share it with those you love.
Posted in family | Tagged drawing, granjack |
By Craftwhack on January 24, 2012
Last week’s Tutorial Tuesday was for all the ladies, so this week’s is for the thousands of single straight men out there who read my blog. I present you with a woman’s perspective on how to snag a special lady that you can shower with l’amour.
First, think up a creative way to ask out the gal you’ve got your eye on. Whip a note at her head at work, or maybe just arrange for her to be kidnapped and brought to your date location.
*****
Now. Please remember that women are sensitive and gentle creatures. They like kittens and babies. If you are well versed in the language of baby talk, break it out once in a while to touch that soft spot in her heart. If you suck at baby talk, try just making soothing animal noises and sporting big eyes. Too, too cute.
Alternatively, if you talk about your mom frequently, she’ll understand what a family man you are. Regale her with fun times you’ve had with mom and how your date reminds you a lot of her. Every so often, if a tear falls from your eye, whisper bonus to yourself and keep working that magic.
Most women enjoy a good hearty tickle. Each time you get a chance to tickle or poke them in the side when they least expect it, will be a step toward sealing your romantic fate.
Think up a nickname for her based on something she’s told you about herself. This will make you feel closer. Try something like, ‘rexi’ if she’s told you she suffered from an eating disorder. Or, if she’s on the short side, maybe you could dub her ‘Gary Coleman’.
If you invite her to dinner, go ahead and order for her. Women admire a man who takes charge, knows what’s up and does it right.
More restaurant tips:
- If you are at a place that offers anything other than American food, perfect your foreign accent. Mack-uhhh-rrrroni. (roll your r’s.) I mean this is an easy one guys- the ladies love a foreign accent, and if you can show off your language abilities while you are taking charge, POW!
- When her food arrives, send it back because it’s lacking in aesthetic grace.
- When she runs to the bathroom, have her food wrapped so she doesn’t overeat.
- Whenever she tells a story, stare deep into her soul and conquer her with your smoldering masculinity. And don’t forget to lick your dry front teeth.
- Google her thoroughly before the date. That way, if she forgets a detail from her life, you can correct her and help her to feel more at ease.
- Study up on big words ahead of time, and pepper them into your conversation. Women love being able to dumb themselves down for a date, and this should help immeasurably.
Should you feel that your date is progressing favorably, make your move. Nothing is more of a turn-on than a post dinner gaping mouth slowly moving toward you.
Escort her home, but don’t be a naughty monkey! Pat her head in a reassuring manner and bid her adieu. She won’t bother to buy the cow if she has a bird in the bush. What?!
Posted in Tutorial Tuesday |
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